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You might be an ER nurse/doc if

by Michael Seaver, RN, EMT-D

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Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you...

You believe a good tape job will fix anything...

You have the bladder capacity of five people...

You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio...

Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change...

You find humor in other people's stupidity...

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac...

You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see...

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance...

You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with the complaint of migraine, lower back pain, chronic myalgia (choose one of the above), a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol), and the statement that the family doctor is from out of town...

Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint...

You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer...

You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a recognized diagnosis...

You have discovered a new condition that you call "hypo-xanax-emia"...

You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce...

You debate which is worse, spaghetti and meatballs or pizza and beer, while performing gastric lavage...

You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient...

You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan...

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "wow, it's really quiet" is uttered...

You threaten to strangle anyone who even starts to say the "q" word when the ER is even remotely calm...

You refer to Friday as NH Dump Day and you don't mean New Hampshire...

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers...

You believe chocolate is a food group...

You take it as a compliment when someone calls you dirty name...

You say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers ...

You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the eternal care unit...

You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate...

You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer...

You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call...

You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "smurf"...

Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms...

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide...Doing It Right"...

You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine...

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis...

You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...

You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, brother, friend, etc.) there?"...

You have ever issued a "dead head" alert...

You have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a "shit magnet"...

Your favorite hallucinogenic is exhaustion...

You think that caffeine should be available in I.V. form...

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience...

Your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"...

You have witnessed the charge nurse muttering down the hallway "who's in charge of this mess anyway?"...

You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group...

You have ever used the phrase "health care reform" to instill fear into your coworkers' hearts...

You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a valium fountain...

You play poker by betting ectopics on EKG strips...

You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patients only hope...

You want lab to order a "dumb shit profile"...

You are totally astounded when someone from a NH is understandable...

You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control...

You believe your patient is demonically possessed...

You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"...

You believe that waiting room time should be proportional to length of time from symptom onset ("you've had the pain for three weeks...well have a seat in the waiting room and we'll get to you in three days")...

You know the phone number to the local Detox Center by heart...

You have ever had a patient say, "but I'm not pregnant; I can't be pregnant; How can I be having a baby"...

You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food...

You carry your own set of keys to the "leathers"...

Your idea of gambling is an EtOH level pool instead of a football pool...

Your bladder expands to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank...

Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's...

Your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the backyard...

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants...

Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat...

You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol...

Your idea of an x-ray prep is a second dose of Haldol...

Your idea of a CT prep includes Norcuron and a vent...

You have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable x-ray machine...

Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, OSHA, the EPA, or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission...

You're able to tell the difference between a medical order and the ground around a poultry farm...

You've been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate...

Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey consists of an IV and warmed saline... (and if the holiday turkey you usually see has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead basted)...

You have every referred to subcutaneous air as "Rice Krispies"...

You have thought OD instead of BBQ when asked to get the Charcoal...

You believe that a large part of your daily calorie requirement is provided by Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin...

When checking the level of orientation of patient, you aren't sure of the correct answer...

You always try to schedule days off around phases of the moon...

You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage (especially whenever presented in conjunction with treatment for motor vehicle trauma)...

Your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to "their room"...

If the hems in your scrub pants are held in with either 3-0 chromic or steristrips...

You've struggled to come up with reimbursable discharge diagnoses such as: acute ambulatory dysfunction, impending asthma attack, constipation (or diarrhea) - resolved, or foreign body in (fill in the blank) by history...

You've ever hung a "banana bag" or a "rally pack" for an etohlic...

You've muttered "AMF YoYo" when an obnoxious patient finally leaves AMA (adios my friend - and there is an X rated version to the MF -, but you're on you're own for that one)...

You believe things would go much quicker if everyone would just get a head CT, Roc and Doxy, Narcan, D50, Ativan, and a loading dose of Dilantin at the ED entrance...

You associate possible house paint colors with body secretions or functions such as: bile yellow, venous blue, arterial red, puffer pink, mottled blue, hemoccult brown, frothy sputum (also known as PE) pink, MRSA beige, etc......

You believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day...

You find yourself avoiding an unhealthy looking "COPD"er in the grocery store in fear that he'll drop near you and you will have to do CPR on your day off...

Your family members have to have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy...

You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a fellow coworker's sleeve in order to make them think that they got shot with a HOCKER...

You've ever held a 14 gauge needle over someone's vein and said "now there's going to be a little poke"...

You are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work...

You've ever sworn that you were going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest (or if you already have it tattooed)...

You can identify the "P.I.D. shuffle" at a distance of 15 feet and the "Kidney Stone squirm" at 20...

You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is a medical emergency...

You've ever entered a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk"...

You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors"...

You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots"...

You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually covers his or her mouth when coughing...

You've ever thought "as long as he's got a pulse, I won't worry about that rhythm."...

You've ever referred to a body bag as a "To Go" bag...

You've identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke (get someone drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that they've overdosed on "some kind of pills" just prior to arrival)...

You think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola and the cafeteria's frozen yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups...

You've ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives...

You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes of two adults in a serious MVA on back boards with sirens on and anxiety a level 10 would be a great opportunity to eat lunch... (and you know that this is more time than you usually get)...

You have ever heard triage nurse first ask, "Is it urgent?" when interrupted from the first break in hours...

You have four categories of patients...urgent, emergent, non-emergent, and S.I.O. (sleeping it off)...

You automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have daily...

You feel that you can diagnose passersby at the mall based on physical presentation...

You don't have to ask "frequent flyers" any medical history questions because you can fill it out from memory...

You can keep a straight face as the patient responds "Just two beers"...

You give the local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and you) won't be disurbed by a return visit...

AND FINALLY....

YOU MIGHT BE AN E.R. NURSE/DOC IF...

YOU FIND HUMOR IN ANY OF THIS!!!