Medical One-Liner's |
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| 1. If the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, what ship did the doctors come over on? The blood vessels.
2. Dr: Is your cough better this morning? Patient: It should be. I've been practicing all night.
3. Nurse: Hello. I'm calling about the check you wrote. It came back. Patient: So did my arthritis.
4. Doctor: Did you go to another doctor before you came to me? Patient: Yes, why? Doctor: What foolish advice did he give you? Patient: He told me to come to you.
5. What kind of physician works on a cruise liner? A dry doc.
6. What do female doctors use men for? Male practice.
7. How is a hospital gown like insurance? You're never covered as much as you think you are.
8. Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac. Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that.
9. What do you do when a pharmaceutical salesman knocks on your door? Vitamin!
10. What did one tonsil say to the other? You better get dressed...the doctor is taking us out tonight.
11. What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday? Saturday night fever.
12. Sid: The doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath. Sam: Did it work? Sid: I don't know. I can never finish drinking the hot bath.
13. Doctor: Now just step on the scales. There you see? Look at this chart. You're overweight. Patient: No, I'm not. I'm just 6 inches too short.
14. I'm a doctor and I haven't lost a patient yet. I know where all of them are buried.
15. Old doctors never die....they just lose their patients.
16. Definition of conflict of interest: A get well card from your doctor.
17. Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.
18. Podiatrist: Someone who knows the agony of de feet.
19. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
20. People who constantly cough never go to the doctors. They go to banquets, to concerts, to church....
21. A doctor giving a circumcision was heard saying, "It won't be long now."
22. One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her good looks from me.
23. Overheard in doctor's waiting room: I used to watch golf on TV, but the doc said I needed more exercise....so now I watch tennis.
24. I'd feel better about what doctors do if they didn't call it practice.
25. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day keeps everyone away.
26. What does it mean when a doctor tells you, "We caught this just in time?" It means that if you had waited any longer, it would have cleared up by itself.
27. Chiropractors don't get old....they adjust.
28. The strangest thing happened the other day. I was listening to a boring talk by a podiatrist and my foot fell asleep.
29. As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing or shortness of cash?"
30. Pathologists know how to cut loose.
31. Doctor told me I was iron deficient....so I took up nail biting.
32. Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat next to a fireplace and melted?
33. My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse...then she got a little buggy.
34. 1991 definition of an umbilical cord: Baby bungee.
35. When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know the end is in sight.
36. Surgeons are doctors on the cutting edge.
37. Doctor: The only man who enjoys poor health.
38. A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist: "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That is it, I can never remember that word
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