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Medical Laws



Intravenous Access Necessity

The Likelihood of Successfully Initiating an Intravenous Line, is INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL to the Necessity of Having the Line to Resuscitate the Patient.



The Law of Respiratory Arrest

All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.



The Theory of Weight

The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases exponentially by the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient and the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient.

Corollary 1:

Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.

Corollary 2:

If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.